zefrank

not quite sanguine

I found the need to shut myself into an abandoned office on the third floor at work last week. I wish I could say this was some dramatic gesture–some experiment for some other blog I should be reporting on now–but no, it was truly because I felt the need to shut myself into an abandoned office on the third floor at work.

It was eerily calm to sit in that office, to sit so quietly for so long, and to begin writing in the baby blue journal I always carry with me, the sun somewhere beyond the rainclouds and offering just enough light to be useful.

In that moment zefrank’s Crushing Words video came to mind, and I felt extremely grateful for everything–even for the rainy day itself, which hid the sun just enough to create a natural “calming lamp” atmosphere in the office, and I was sure I was the only person in the whole goddamn building who truly noticed how beautiful it was. Funny–I just looked it up, and “calmness” is a synonym for “optimism”.

And now that I mention zefrank, I’m singing the scared song and smiling and feeling just wonderful.

I guess the point is, I wasn’t feeling wonderful when I shut myself into that abandoned office on the third floor at work. I was feeling out of control and crushed by thousands of unwanted words, but then I started writing some words of my own. I wrote a list of things I know for sure. The following list is my reminder to be positive in the worst of times, to never forget who I am, and to never give up on the person I could be:

  • My name is Rebecca Naomi McKinnon.
  • I am a writer.
  • I enjoy taking people out of their shitty lives and bringing them toward a greater appreciation of or at least a greater understanding of life.
  • I like to be taken out of my life into a TV show, game, or book.
  • I love books the most because they break my heart the best. That’s why I don’t read as much as I’d like to.
  • At 23 I have found the man I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with.
  • I have a stable income that can support us both in our time of transition.
  • I have great friends I can count on and a family who loves harder than most families I know.
  • I have reasons to laugh and smile everyday because I am so blessed.
  • I have a greater understanding of people, pain, and happiness because I have thrown myself into all three.
  • I am learning to protect myself from the negativity of the world, because I am happiest when surrounded by honest, positive people.
  • I have hope that the best of people can shine through if they are treated with maturity and kindness, so I won’t stop being mature and kind, even when it is difficult to.
  • I know that hope is dangerous, but I am a good person because I still have it.
  • I know life will get better because I don’t blame others unjustly for any unhappiness I have allowed myself to feel.
  • I know I will get better, because I am a fighter.
  • I will never give up on the future, or myself, or you.

  • Ever.

Posted in aloneness, blog, depression, in transition, intertextual, personality traits, purpose, self help, states of being, states of motion, thankful, understanding, work, writing, zefrank |Tagged , , | 1 Comment

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