gobbilty gook anyways

This is one of those Sundays I’d like to stick with my blogging schedule, but I’m not feeling most writing topics today. I know I need to continue my planning series, and I promised someone else I’d post a review of a self-publishing workshop I recently attended, OH, and I also have a Read-to-Review copy of a online friend’s e-book that I haven’t yet read or reviewed. I also told myself I’d have another critique done on Scribophile by today… yeah, that didn’t happen. Not to mention all the writing projects I’m invested in. My poetry chapbook’s due to Omnidawn’s Chapbook Contest tomorrow. I edited and re-posted a flash fic to Ubergroup’s Short Fiction Workshop today. I also have been researching markets again, something I haven’t done for at least six months. Normally I’d have the energy to explain or link to all of these things, but I just don’t. If you wanna know what they are, Google is your friend. Sorry to be all inconvenient. I just feel so inconvenient, lately.

I’m spending a lot of time in my own head, which is why I logically know I need to get out more, see friends, keep in contact with my writing support group, and blog on here. I logically know I need to do these things, but it doesn’t make these things easy for me when I get in these moods. I don’t know. I’m going through a lot of personal stuff. I’m more honest with myself than ever, and I feel more myself than ever, and I’m standing up for what’s authentic about me, what I’m passionate about, and what really matters in my life. But it’s like the weight of these personal revelations makes it even more difficult to write in a public setting like this. I want to have something organized and professional to present you guys this Sunday, but instead you get this unorganized gobbilty gook that’s not saying anything really, other than to fail at explaining how I’m doing and what I’m doing and where I’m at in my life.

I have to accept that I’ll never be that perfect person who produces pro content on a scheduled basis. That’s never been me, and I don’t think that’ll ever be me. But when I do stick to a posting schedule, I get posts like this… they come out of nowhere, they don’t make much sense, but they’re necessary somehow. They show that I’m real, I’m human. I’m still around. No, I haven’t ghosted. But no, I’m not exactly in tip top shape either. But I’m okay? I’m here? I’m showing up to the party.

In fact, I think I’ve written a post exactly like this before:

“But I’m showing up anyways, and for myself only… I’m showing up for myself because I told myself I would keep the goals I set, which includes my Wednesday and Sunday blog posts. That means some weeks won’t be top notch content. Some weeks will. I have to accept that I’m not going to be perfect at what I’m creating, I just have to create it anyways. I’m not giving up on myself, I’m not giving up on my goals, and I’m not giving up on these blogs. This is a new attitude of mine, and it’s important to document that attitude here for all to see.” – quote from create it anyways

I think I’ll add to that quote by saying that taking a break from something isn’t giving up as long as you intend to return. I took a break from this blog for a time this year. In a prior post of mine, I explained that taking that break from multiple things in my life was a necessary step toward loving myself. Well, showing up to this blog when I don’t want to also is a step toward loving myself.

Life feels contradictory sometimes, but you just gotta go with what feels authentic in the moment. Only you can know what you really need at any given time. I knew I needed to show up to Sacred Sunday, even if it turned out different than I hoped, just like I knew I needed to take a break from posting during the time I did. It’s okay to listen to myself.

I hope you all are well. And if not, I’m sending blessings your way. Sometimes all you need to hear is that it’s okay to not feel okay. And it’s okay not to be perfect. Just keep moving forward, even if some days you move inches and others you move miles. You’re moving in the right direction, and that’s what counts.

Posted in addled, blog, crawling, finding your truth, goals, imperfect, in transition, intertextual, metaphorical dreams, other blogs, poetry, publication, rambling about, revising, short story, states of being, states of motion, support group, work, writing |Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments

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