musing vs doing

When my mood improves, I become more productive not only in my present actions but also in my musings on the future. Everybody does it — muse on the future — but not many people take those musings to the next level by planning for those musings to become a reality. It takes planning, yeah, but it also takes doing.

Right now I’m mainly in the planning stages of my goals for the future, which is frustrating to someone like me who struggles with follow-through. The difference between the present me and the old me is in my doing rather than just┬ámusing. I’ve mainly been doing things for my author platform and writing/revising flash fiction. It’s a start, but it’s not the bigger kind of doing I’ve been dreaming of.

Well, my biggest dream is the publication of a novel. But I feel like I have to ramp up to that (baby steps, ya know), so I’m focusing instead on publishing my flash fiction so I can get a nice ‘Publications List’ going. But that novel dream, it lurks and it annoys me and it goes, “You’re feeling better! Why aren’t you working on meee?” And I go, “Shut up because the dog’s barking and I’ve gotta do the laundry and I’ve got this other writing, you see, don’t you see??” And it replies, “You’re never going to get to me. I’ll always be just a dream,” which is just the kind of self-criticism that’s unhealthy and I’m going to therapy for.

So it’s not a bad thing that I’m working on my flash fiction and my author platform. Those are both improvements from being totally unproductive and depressed. But it’s also not a good thing that some small part of me doesn’t believe in myself to succeed at any larger project. So I started trying to think up ways to trick myself into believing I could do it.

I came up with the idea of a writing residency, and that thought’s stuck quite sticky to my brain meat ever since I thought it up. I’ve been doing research and, while I don’t have any answers yet, I at least have questions. Which is better than paralyzed fear.

The glass is half full, folks.

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