I have no one to blame but myself for my lack of blogging presence. I am in mourning of the life I thought I’d have by now. In simpler terms, I’m depressed. I’ve blogged about depression before, but those words were too graceful, gliding over the surface like figure skaters in need of swimming lessons, their perfect blades slicing semi-colons into the ice just above the depths unfathomable. These words won’t do much better, to be honest with you. Depression is a multi-faceted, fat, disgusting creature, with gems of personal truth hidden beneath its many belly folds and triple chins. I respect it, but I do not enjoy its company.
“Do you think it’s easy for me to admit I can’t do it?”
No, it’s never easy. But the world never stops stealing from you. Just when you think you have a plan, the world twists your arm right out of it. The floor collapses beneath you. The softened earth slides beneath your dirt-caked fingernails. No matter how hard you struggle, eventually the only future you desire is one of rest. You’ll lay down in your own feces to get it. You’ll forsake your loved ones to get it. You’ll accept a million tiny deaths to get it. First, your pride. Once your pride dies, well, what’s a house of cards with no foundation? It is a wreck of all the pretty pieces once unified.
Destruction of self is the purest form of wickedness, but resurrection is the most sacred of all that is sanctified. As a child, I could only watch Shadow’s plight in the pit because my intuition knew he would overcome it. Shadow’s homecoming was that much sweeter, knowing he’d defeated the worst in himself to achieve it.
“Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of shit-smelling foulness I can’t even imagine.”
I will re-birth myself into the light of this world, even if I have to crawl through the mud and shit of depression to get to it. Even if the only light I look forward to is the lightning of a perpetual thunderstorm.
I will hold myself accountable for the life I wish I had. I will chase it down with everything I’ve got left to give. In memoriam of the self I used to be. In memoriam of my pride. In memoriam of my dreams deferred. Rest in peace.
Every Wicked Wednesday. Every Sacred Sunday. (Explanation here, in the first long paragraph)